The last few days I’ve felt as if I am in a fog. Like everything is surreal – I’m just sort of walking through my days not completely tuned in. It’s a really bizarre feeling and I don’t like it at all. I mentioned this feeling to my Twitter Support Group and they all said that it’s not unusual at this point in the process and that it goes away. They explained to me that my body is re-calibrating. I guess years and years of drinking wine every evening tends to screw with a person’s brain chemistry – go figure. Ha.
I’ve thought many times about how drinking every evening might affect my health – blood pressure, mood, weight etc.. But I hadn’t really thought about what it would be like to experience health, sober. Much less experience emotions. For instance, the other day I had a horrible day. My clients were all having hard times, my job was stressing me out, and my own son was having some mental health issues. My body craved alcohol like it was the only solution. It was like as soon as there was stress, there was a need to drink. And the longer I didn’t drink that evening, the crabbier I became. I sulked, I ate, I cried, and then I went to bed. I had no idea what to do with myself.
And I still don’t!
We all know that alcohol is a way to self-medicate. That alcohol isn’t the problem, it’s a manifestation of ALL THE PROBLEMS in our mind. All the pain, all the hurts, all the anxiety and stress. Take alcohol away and what is left…ALL THE PAIN AND THE PROBLEMS AND THE ANXIETY AND THE STRESS!!! But what’s more – no coping skills! A brain that’s programmed to receive medication in the form of wine and chemicals being released – or not – with nowhere to go. BRAIN FOG!
It all makes sense. But it certainly feels like shit.
The irony though is that since the brain fog, I have not craved alcohol one bit. Actually, the thought kind of repulses me.
What feels good is going to meetings and connecting with people there. There has been a shift since I chose a sponsor. I’m chairing meetings now, I’m sweeping floors, I’m making the coffee. I’m talking about the things that hurt. And people are listening and saying, “Keep coming back.” And I do.